Wanted to go, but don't know why, I changed my mind on the last minute :)

"Laugh is the sweetest gift we can give --definitely also for ourselves."

Show me that you can change, and I'll show you I can change my mind, too...

"The SC is not only where my image is at stake, but my self-esteem as well.."
...
"Why do God let me have this feeling when it'll only ruin me? He know, you know, we all know, that I can't afford to get distracted. Not right now, not in the next 14 years."

DRAFT!

Soundtrack of the day: Butterfly Cry by Kerli

"Affair of the heart is the undoing of a hero.."

When I'm not, you are.
When I do, you don't.
You're here, but you're so far away.
Within range but unreachable.

I try to deny, but how is it supposed to work?
Even though I don't ever say it, I still feel it.

This feeling is like a butterfly.
So fragile yet so strong.
The urge is so strong I'm suffocated.
Yet it's so fragile I know it'll die soon.
It'll die before we're able to comprehend.
Even before we realize it ever existed.

How good will its life be if it doesn't have to feel guilty
when it does the things that brings happiness for it.

How should anyone understand?
The sadness of the butterfly.
Cos its existence just another one
In this universe.
Alone.
Ordinary.
In vain.

I hate you not because of who you are..
But because you're proud that you are.

Fragile - Kerli

You think you know me. And everything that you consider me. You think you know my name. You think you know me. And everything you get a chance to see. You think you know my face.
You think you know my face.
You think you see me. And everything that you consider me. You think I’m more than you. You think you see me. You like the way I’m strong and stand by you. But I am fragile too. I am fragile too.
Yeah, I will be fine. As the time goes by. It may hurt at nights.
But I will be fine. Yeah, I will be just fine.
They think they know me. And everything that they consider me.
They think I never cry. They are thinking
While they’re making up their twisted lies. She won't mind,
she's nice.
She is cold as ice.
You think you see me. And everything that you consider me.
You think I’m more than you. You think you see me.
You like the way I’m strong and stand by you.
But I am fragile too.I am fragile too.
Just like you.

Disappointment.
I thought I knew him close enough by now. But just like human, there's always a side of him that's come to my surprise --and taken me off guard.
And guess what, I got to know his friend: Fed Up.

But, ah, a letter come to me today. From an Echelon. And it just cheered me up because of its kind words. It's funny cos the one who always made my day is Echelon. While all the others are just non-believer who would care --or rather, don't have time to care about me. And the even funnier thing, those "others" are the ones who laugh at Echelon most of the time. What the...?

It doesn't matter, though. It has been said: not everybody will understand it, and that's okay. It's just for the people that do.

Long live Echelon! Provehito in Altum!

One day...

Love always come hand in hand with sorrow --no, not only hand in hand, they're Siamese twin: you can't separate them. Even through operation, it'll be dangerous.
Is it worth it to let both come into our dwellings? Will there be enough space for both?

It's no longer pieces now, it's already dust...

-:-

Stand up not just for what you believe in, but also for who you are..

-:-

Let's not tell.. (7Sept)

Soundtrack of the day: Fallen by 30 Seconds to Mars

*Sigh* May I emphasize the lyric?

"All the pretty people die. Innocence is out of style...
Now there nothing left for me.."

Have you ever hurt so bad it feels so good?

"...he cuts me and the pain is all I wanna feel.."
misquote from BSB Helpless When She Smiles

My godbrother once said, "PAIN is the greatest pleasure in life." I didn't agree and didn't understand then. But I do understand now (even though I'm still not entirely agree).

Sometimes, in a weird unexplainable way, I am (and I believe most of other people are) drawn to pain. And it does bring us some pleasure --or in this case, bring me.
I know pain enable human to survive. But I thought only because it sharpens our survival instinct, so we learn to avoid it. But I've learned a different case now.

Some people find comfort in pain.
Some in physical form: cutting and slashing.
Some in non-physical form: reminding themselves of hurtful things.

Yes, mine is the second case. And yeah, I know. Somebody here needs bad help from a shrink...

I just hate it when people say, "you don't know how I feel."
Of course I wouldn't know exactly how they feel, but to accuse that I never feel any pain in my life would be very judgmental. Oh I have my shares of pain...

Being called a whore by my own father? Been there.
Being suicidal and almost end my life? Done that.
Sent application in all college there is and accepted into none? Gosh, old story.
Chase out from my house by my brother? Passed that.
There was even times when I have no one to confide in, cos nobody cares. And even my best friends said I'm delusional and my mother called me attention-seeker.

But those are long forgotten stories, I don't even remember it as a memory but merely as stories I've read somewhere. And as Nietzsche long ago had said: What doesn't kill you make you stronger.

So somehow I survive.

There will always be times when you'll find yourself standing in the middle of crossroad; where you have to choose: to the left to suicide, or to the right to a better stronger person.
In my case, I'm too coward to choose left. So I only left with one option no matter I like it or not.

There will always be prices to pay, of course. I pay it with my ability to feel; so I can no longer feel a thing. Or in other words, I'm heartless.

You'd think I said all that because I'm living on bed of roses this moment. But you're so wrong. I'm living hell right now, surrounded by devils themselves. However, to misquote Winston Churchill: "If you're going through hell, keep going...till you reach the way out."

That's what I'm doing now, hopefully I'll make it out alive.
Oh, whatever. I'm so done whining about myself.

"I've been through that." , "Everybody's gone through that stage." don't make it easier to go through...

-:-

Should I fall down, I'll drag somebody with me.

-:-

Money is scary. Or is it the person that is?

-:-

Theory: Unsuccessful people have no family behind them to support them morally.

-:-

Life is just a container, a medium; we decide what's inside it.

Tomo's tattoo

Per Aspera Et Astra - Through hardships to the stars.

Serba salah

When I'm quiet, they say I don't want to share stories.
When I talk, they say I keep talking about myself.

Ketika aku diam, dibilangnya aku tidak mau berbagi
Ketika aku berbicara, dibilangnya aku hanya berbicara tentang diri sendiri

What you want is not always what you get....

...thank God for that!

[Or in other words, like the old sayings said: Be careful of what you wish for]

Yes, we should be thankful that we didn’t get everything we want. Cos more often than not, we don’t know what’s good for us and what’s totally going to ruin us.
Yesterday I’m doing my part time job as a waitress. I went there -except for the bucks, of course- hoping to learn humility… and it’s exactly what’s given to me. The event was a very high-class one; I didn’t realize it until I get into the room.
On every single table, there are few spoons and few forks and few knives for a single guest. Oh, and few glasses. And everything is placed in such a way, it's all so neat.

Before we started, we were briefed. And the owner of the restaurant kept reminding us, “All the guests here are VIPs. And the exhibition today is to sell jewelries worth a quarter to half million dollars. These people are rich and high-class people, so you must must must respectable towards them.” Half million dollars.. Okay, got that.

Then there's the chef! He’s actually kinda cute -seems like mixed blood of Chinese and French- but he was so smug. He’s a bit pissed off that we didn’t know the name of the dishes.
He mentioned and explained every single name of the dishes, and in the end, he asked us, “Do you understand?” And some of us were nodding. Then he said, “So what’s ((insert a French food name here))?” We all went quiet. He went on, “And you said you understand?!” I thought, oh my God, spare us. I didn’t even ever eat any French food. The only thing I know is caviar (and I only knew it from Titanic. Wait, is that French food?) and I still don’t know what exactly caviar is made of. Would he want to treat me to some French food, so that I’ll remember some names?

Oh, I also remember he said something like, “We’ll be serving canapés.” I didn’t catch it, and I thought, “Canabis?! We’re serving cannabis?!”
Yeah, that’s how silly I was.

And another thing that added to my mental weariness, I met an old friend there. All of the sudden, out of nowhere. Gosh, Singapore sure is small! (Or should I say the world is?) She was my friend back from my elementary school. The thing is, she is the best friend of my nemesis.
By the time she caught a glance of me, her reaction was, “Kok kamu bisa di Singapore?” [“How did you get to Singapore?!”] In Indonesian language (along with the tone of her voice) it’s not the question of HOW did I end up in Singapore, but it’s a question of how did I able to come here. I was like, What? Am I not allowed being here? But my answer was only, “Yes, I’m studying here,” plus a smile that I hope will cover my annoyance.

Probably you think it’s so childish of me being annoyed over such thing. But you have no idea the background between me and her and everyone around us.
What’s more, she kept repeating how-did-you-get-here question every three minutes until our leader separated us and forbade us to talk to each other.

But anyway, all in all, it was a fun and exciting evening. And I went home an hour after midnight, with a higher level of humility, and $56 richer.

I received a newsletter from the official 30 Seconds to Mars' site today (you see, as a devoted fan, it's a must that I'm listed in their newsletter). The announcement was that they're selling this yearbook, and if you pre-order it, you'll get to published yourself in the book. Guess how much the book is?

US$60!! What an exaction!

Anyway, speaking of 30 Seconds to Mars, it reminds me of Jared's coming to Genting. I decided not to go, as much as I want to see him. What's the point? I'll be seeing him there, but he wouldn't even notice me. I see him, he doesn't see me: I can always do that via YouTube.

I'll just wait till I've become a reporter and go interview him. Then I'll get to talk to him face to face, mwhahaha...
For the time being, I better spend my time (on 2nd of August, I mean) go working. Then I'll get some $$$$ *lol*

"I used to think that he's a great man --guess what, I still do"
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