My Deepest Fear is...

Not to be remembered
Leaving this world without doing anything memorable
...anything significant
...anything useful

Not knowing myself till the end
Not knowing the love of my life
Not knowing what I've done with the years of my life

Not knowing what to say, what to write, what to do
Not figuring out how to love, how to teach, how to be

Letting my light go dim
Letting others' light never shining

Not seeing the end coming, approaching too fast

-random thoughts penned down in 60 seconds

Birthday wish

To somebody who owns her own world. 
To somebody who’s intelligent yet insane. 
And quoting Vincent van Gogh, "however meaningless and vain, however dead life appears, the man of faith, of energy, of warmth.. steps in and does something and hangs on to that." 

2017 must have a hard year for you but never forget the sweet memories too. 
You are your own wonder woman. 
The millennial Viking that survives the apocalypse of heartbreak. 
Life is full of uncertainty. 
Uncertainty is like opening your eyes wide in the dark then closing them hard and then opening them again just to be blinded by the sparkling silver dots created from pressure on the corneas. 
Squint, roll, focus, then you’re blind again. 
But, at least you saw the light somehow. 

I'm going a bit off track right now but here I am wishing you a calming day. 
You're the friend I never asked for but a God's send. 
Thank you for being my thunder in the storm.

xoxo, 
Your Rockstar

The Irish dreams

My boyfriend is being accepted to an Irish university.
It's something that he's planned for a long time, but at the same time, came unexpectedly because he didn't expect to be accepted.

The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell.
Right to the top.
Don't look back.

So this is how it feels, getting half of everything.

Going back to writing my own journal.
Queen of My Heart playing in my head.

But it's all for the better.
Soon I'll be going.
Going to the hometown I've never been.

It's time to begin, isn't it?

If you look back and it makes you smile, 

hold on to it.

If you look back and it makes you angry, 

let go of it.

Antinatalism

So I wasn't crazy,

     there's a word for it.

So I wasn't losing my mind,
     there's a philosophy about it.

So I'm not alone,
     there's followers of it.

Liar, liar on the wall

What sickening about liars is not that they lie.
But they have no remorse for their lies.

What sickening about childish people is not their immaturity.
But what they do that hurt the people around them.

Goodbye, Hank Rearden

I thought you're a fighter
I thought you'd fight for what you deserve
Not letting them define you by their standards

But you let the standards go
And you let yourself down

I can't help you
and can't be seen with you
So goodbye, Hank Rearden

The Falling Star

Teringat Ksatria, Putri, dan Bintang Jatuh
Teringat ketika sang Bintang terjatuh, tersandung cinta
Teringat ketika sang ksatria lebih memilih sang putri
Tapi kini sang Bintang tak lagi jatuh, ia telah mencapai tempat tujuannya
Dan siap menjelma menjadi seorang Putri

Falling is just flying with a rough landing.

When your Hermes is not your muse
And your muse is drown in love
Separated by silence

Love is an art, and art is subjective

Partial credit for Mr. Surya

011013

Whatever happened to chivalry?

Whatever happened to chivalry?
Some said it's killed by femininity.
But, eMANcipation is a stillborn,
(and still infiltrate by man.)

chivalry died too early.

It's expensive to be a woman..

..when you're happy, you want to celebrate with shopping.

..when you're sad, you want to cheer yourself up with shopping.

..when you're bored, you want to fill your time with shopping.

..when you're sick, you want to make yourself feel better with shopping.

But don't worry boys, SOME girls actually know how to earn their own money to spend (and some boys actually ask money from them).

也许你不会懂, 从你说爱我以后,
我的天空星星都亮了.

-童话

Did you check the mail today?
There might be a letter from me to you.
Telling you that I've been missing you.
That I'll walk miles and miles to meet you.
And I have. Only to find that you're not there.

Did you check the mail today?
I've been feeling lonely and all I wanted was to talk to you.
I called and you didn't pick up.
I sent a message and I never know if you received it.
So I sent a mail, but I guess you didn't check the mail box as well.

Now I realized..       You just don't care, you leave me alone like the letter in the box.

Part poem, part narcissism

Okay, I admit, this post is neither about any significant life lesson or anything brilliant. It just about me.. I mean, I've written so many posts in this blog, not to mention my other blogs.. but do you -the readers- know who am I? At some point, even I forget who I am..

So here it is..
My name is Eva Berlin Fransiskus.

Eva as in the Hebrew 'Eve', which means the giver of life.
But I'm no giver of life, I'm not even sure if I have a life of my own. So how do I give life to others?

Berlin as in Berlin Wall, Berlin.
Maybe that's why I have an expression as stoic as the stones.
Maybe that's why I have walls arond me that keep away strangers,
and keep the people I love trapped.

Fransiskus, as in Franciscus Asisi or Franciscus Xaverius.
But I'm not saint, not even a half.
And it's with s and k, instead of c and c.
Cos I'm an Indonesian and thus the Indonesian spelling.

Moral of the Story: There's so much you can learn just simply from a person's name. We can even know about one's parents and one's background if we dig deep enough.

Misc wisdom I picked along the way

'Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'
A sharp tongue can cut your own throat.
If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn't oversleep.
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
The best vitamin for making friends is B1.
The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.
One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.
You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself..
If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.
One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.
Ideas won't work unless ' You' do.
Your mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.
The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.
The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!
It is never too late to become what you might have been.
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.. So love the people who treat you right.. Forget about the ones who don't.
Everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you might not get them back.
Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away.
Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we forget what's right and wrong.
Sometimes we just don't realize what real friendship means until it is too late. I don't want to let that happen so I'm going to tie you to my heart so I never lose you.

Sometimes, just sometimes..

Sometimes I love him, sometimes I hate him so much.
Sometimes, I believe this one could be different.
Sometimes, I don't even dare to hope.
Sometimes, things seem bright, the future seems bright.
Sometimes, there's nothing there.
Sometimes, I'm just tired, wish I could end it all.
Sometimes.. Just sometimes.

And sometimes, life doesn't go on.
Believe me, I know.
You live, you breath, you move. (But) Just like a zombie. You feel nothing, the heart is cold --or no heart at all.

To I_Boy..
I know exactly how it feels.. It's sad, isn't it?
They only like you when you're the happy cheerful person.
Once they take a slight peek of our sadness, they run like their lives depend on it.. Even those who claim they care, they simply have no time to care.

"If only thirst could quench sorrow, Ptolemy.." -Alexander

A More Twisted Fairytale

You might think that it's just another fairytale.
That you've heard it somewhere.
But, behold! Here's a more twisted fairytale.
About a princess and a knight.

She's not a princess after all, for all you know,
just a slave donned in luxurious gowns,
locked up in a dark tower of a dark palace.
And the knight..
He is the royal son, a crown prince in disguise.

The princess stands on her balcony
for one thousand and first time
in a thousand and one nights.
"I'll love you forever," the knight said.
"Forever is not real," the princess answered.
"I'll always be here by your side," he said
"Let's not talk about the future," she replied.

Cos many knights have come
Throwing pebbles, drawing swords.
Draw her attention, fight for her
or so she had hoped.
But little that they know, little did she know
There is one thing much scarier than dragons and witches
The king himself, the father of the princess.

Many knights have come
and many knights have left..

Is this what it is?
Just another reason not to trust men.
Not to trust love.
Cos there's no such thing as happily-ever-after ending.
No knight or prince would want to fight THAT dragon to save THIS princess.

When I finally let someone step closer, it's just another pack of lies.
But I appreciate that that someone left quickly, causing less pain.
There's nothing to cry over.

DRAFT!

Soundtrack of the day: Butterfly Cry by Kerli

"Affair of the heart is the undoing of a hero.."

When I'm not, you are.
When I do, you don't.
You're here, but you're so far away.
Within range but unreachable.

I try to deny, but how is it supposed to work?
Even though I don't ever say it, I still feel it.

This feeling is like a butterfly.
So fragile yet so strong.
The urge is so strong I'm suffocated.
Yet it's so fragile I know it'll die soon.
It'll die before we're able to comprehend.
Even before we realize it ever existed.

How good will its life be if it doesn't have to feel guilty
when it does the things that brings happiness for it.

How should anyone understand?
The sadness of the butterfly.
Cos its existence just another one
In this universe.
Alone.
Ordinary.
In vain.

I miss my -sweet- lovely durian.
Do you still remember who you are?
I do - :)

- -:- - -:- -

Sekarang aku tahu apa yang aku takutkan. Bukan mimpi yang terlalu indah yang takkan menjadi kenyataan, tapi mimpi yang menjadi kenyataan tapi ternyata tak seindah yang aku bayangkan.