"Don't talk to PR persons, they are paid to tell you a version of truth."

-Dr. Stephen McIlwaine.

John 4

Always feel so depressed lately. I don't know why. Just feel like I lose the will to live (not like it's something new). Everything's dark, everything's annoying. Everything's wrong. If I have just one wish, I wish I were never born. Let the traces of me be erased from the history of the world.

Oh, wanna talk about something that IS new: Finally, after devil-knows-how-many-weeks since the last time I did, I went to church yesterday (no, Felix, not your kind of church).
The church sucked as usual, the people were fake as usual. But there's something soothing: the sermon is about John 4:1-26. John has always been one of my favorite books in the Bible (yes, even a devil like me do read Bible sometimes). John is always different from Matthew, Mark or Luke in telling about Jesus. And this particular passage, tells about 'Jesus and the Woman of Samaria'.
I've read the passage so many times before, heard it preached in the church so many times before. But never did I realize what it means. It doesn't only show that Jesus have no problem mingling with other races or sinners, or both, but He also have no problem in mingling with women.

Sounds simple?
Not for me. Like I said, for me, it's something very soothing. Jesus isn't sexist. Jesus doesn't think that men are higher than women. Jesus doesn't think that women are lower than men. He practiced what He preached: everyone's equal.

I'm not talking about religion, I'm not talking about God. I'm not the person who has rights to talk about such things. I merely talk about a great historical figure, a brilliant philosopher, who wants us to see what true morality is.

This further reminds me the many things I've believed long time ago and have forgotten now. Somebody out there love you, not matter you want to believe it or not. Even if everyone left, you'll have One Person that will always stay. Treat everyone else the way you want to be treated.

Sometimes, the answer we've been looking for is right around the corner.
Sometimes, we're just delaying to make the turn.

"To become truly great, one has to stand with people.

Not above them."

-Charles de Montesquieu.

Battle of the sexes

This is a reply for Mr. Matahari's blog about Asian culture that prefer sons to daughters. It's true that MOST Asian family prefer first child to be a boy, especially Chinese. And interestingly, I notice that it's the father who always wants a son.
I just can't accept the reasons Mr. Felix put forward of why baby boy is more welcome in a family. I know there's so much more that those reason. I know, I experience it firsthand to gather up the information.

Son preference in India.

1. Of course it's about family name. It's not just a name, however, it represents your money and all your vain mortal belongings. There a certain holy rule that says you can only pass on the money you can't take to heaven, to a bloodline that has your name. Ever wonder why some people even named their son his-own-name Jr.? Imagine if you could bring the money to heave..that'd be interesting.
And more than that, it's about pride. When a girl married off to another guy, she has to have that guy's family name (another holy rule to follow), thus, the girl is no longer a part of her own family. True story, my mom said that she's so sad that someday I'd be some other family's belonging. Good job in making me not wanting to get married, mom.

2. Boys require lower maintenance. For girls, as they grow up, you need to supply for make-up, dresses, clothes, khakis, pants, scarves. And all in different colors. Not to mention the pad supply you have to buy monthly. As for boys, monochrome shirts and jeans will usually do. And when they have gfs, daddies would just use the mantra, 'if you're old enough to date girls, you're old enough to get your own money'.
True story, once upon a time when I was still innocent, my dad said, "mmmh..daddy's little girl. This one's gonna spend so much." I didn't understand then, but I completely understand now that I've de-innocenized myself.

3. They think that boys would definitely want more to take care of them. Or at least, have the ability to. That is also based on true story, in which my dad said that he "wouldn't expect too much for Berlin (that's me) to take care of him when he's old".

Welcome to the universe.

The verdict: It depends on the parents, each family is different. Some family are just ****ed-up; they don't know how to be parents thus causing the children feel like their unwanted.

Moral of the story: Don't have children when you still one yourself. Don't have one when you think you're ready. And definitely don't have one when all you want is "that cute little thing" on your arms.

I've learnt..

"It's always easier to go down than to go up."

"Smart people.. they think they know everything. While the truth is, 'everything' is just too much. Even for them."

- inspired by Ronald K.

It's interesting to board the early morning bus, during the twilight hour. You'd meet two kinds of people..

One is the clubbers.
Just got back from from enjoying their secular happiness. You'd find them reek of alcohol, acting and dressing like they're the queens and kings of the world. No one is better than them, and who cares about tomorrow, tomorrow will soon be yesterday. Fade and forgotten.

The second kind, however, is the ones who start their day early.
Early birds get the worms, they say. The second kind is mostly made up of the older generation. Those who know, and have learnt, that 'tomorrow' must be prepared and that 'yesterday' will become the pages of your history, of which people would read to see who you are.

The question is, since I was among them, which kind am I belong to?

Somewhere in between..

Happy new year, everyone.

"Women bring men home --I have no such feelings."
-AtG.

"You know you are in love when you can't sleep --because reality is finally better than dreams."
-random anonymous quote.
(Really? How, then, do we explain sleep deprivation because of anger/phobia?)

"Don't get me wrong, I love you --but I love my freedom more."
-Vk.

If you want best of both worlds, you have to work double the effort.
-vk.

"You are who you choose to be. Now, choose." -Green Goblin

Yesterday, I was helping around the library. There's this one notebook left by the owner. It looked interesting, so I playfully opened it. Well, on the covers of the book, there's this "wise" sayings. Thought I'd share them with you...

"In our country, we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them."

"Some people are wise --some otherwise."
"A wise old owl sat on an oak,
the more he sat the less he spoke,
the less he spoke, the more he heard,
why aren't we like that wise old bird?"

P.S.: It's NOT a diary, it's just a book the owner scribble in (I didn't even understand what's inside :p)

"It was raining, but there was no rainbow.."
-And1

There's no Prince Charming or knight in shining armor, but the Princesses in my fairytale can all fight for themselves.

"I'm just broke, not broken."

Another trough in my life... It's a long story, I don't even want to talk about it *wave hand*
But every time I want to give up, every time I think 'I can't take this anymore..' the Archer in me always rise and say 'It's okay. We're going to get through this. Let's aim high and we'll reach there. You and me, together.' Yup, just her and me, no one else. Cos everybody else leaves. Well, everyone but one: My Lord.

"They still can't hold us down, Adeline!"

Yesterday, I had to go accompany a friend slash "colleague" in the search of sponsors for our upcoming Indonesian Students event. While we're in the bus, he asked me where I come from, then I said Batam Island. Then he asked me where my senior high school was, I said in Batam Island. He reacted, "No, I mean, the name of the high school." I replied, "Yos sudarso." And he gave me an astonished look. He's from Jakarta, but he happens to know a lot of the island I come from. For your information, Yos Sudarso is an ordinary high school. It was once the highest-ranking high school in Batam, but still, it's the ordinary one. Not the type of school for the rich guys or anything.
Then this friend of mine said: You're not from some international school?
I said, "Nope." Again, the astonished look.
It happened before --so many times before.

Once, it was my English teacher (the current one). She thought I was from Jakarta or another big city and/or had study in International school, cos -she thinks- I speak English so fluently (which I seriously don't think so).
Another time was my other friend. He thought I must've studied in another COUNTRY before. Not only cos of my English, but also cos of my way of thinking.
Well, those things confuse me.
It's always amazed me that the fact amazes people: that this "island girl" is whole lot more than just an island girl.
'What's with "island girl"?' You might wonder. In Indonesian language (or is it the culture?) it doesn't mean so nice, its connotative with negative meaning.

But it's okay, it's quite flattering anyway. Here's "island girl" that breaks all the definition of the term ^^

Welcome to the universe.

"Ring, ring! Who's there?
Destiny! I've been waiting for your call."

- Rhino

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
What doesn't makes you stronger makes you crazy.

Jumper

And so I've finished watching Jumper today, after a few weeks credit-watching. Cinematography-wise, the film is cool. It has a vivid storyline in it and the cinematography is just awesome. Not to mention the editing --the editors must have had real tough time. It has got to win at least one Oscar in the coming year.

But looking through a commoner spectacle, the movie is weird.. The song 'Oops I Did It Again' by Britney Spears keeps ringing in my head while I was watching. Not the entire song, just the bit when it said 'I'm dreaming away; Wishing that heroes, they truly exist'. Especially "I told you I'm different" part.Cos it just funny how in films the main character would be heroes, saving the world and being different from, uh, the same kind and would fight to the death for the girl he loves. Gosh, that reminds me why I hate romance stories and movies.
Do you honestly sincerely wants me to believe that a guy would be willing to put himself in a miserable death to save the girl he love?

Yeah, it's a fiction anyway. There's no JUMPER in the first place. Oh, one thing I would believe, though: anyone, be it a girl or a guy, would gladly fight with his/her best friend just for his/her girl/guy. I know it first hand; it sucks.
No wonder Shakespeare said "You call it stupid, I call it love." Well, I'd say "You call it love, I call it mental disorder."

Life is a big sarcastic joke.

"mỗi khi bên bạn không có ai.... thì hãy nhìn lên bầu trời đầy sao hay ánh nắng........ có thể là ở 1 nơi xa kia cũng đang có 1 người chia sẻ với bạn......"

*Quoted from someone's profile

"each side when you do not have one . please look up the skies full of stars or the sun .
may be in one place far there is one to share with you"

DRAFT!

Soundtrack of the day: Butterfly Cry by Kerli

"Affair of the heart is the undoing of a hero.."

When I'm not, you are.
When I do, you don't.
You're here, but you're so far away.
Within range but unreachable.

I try to deny, but how is it supposed to work?
Even though I don't ever say it, I still feel it.

This feeling is like a butterfly.
So fragile yet so strong.
The urge is so strong I'm suffocated.
Yet it's so fragile I know it'll die soon.
It'll die before we're able to comprehend.
Even before we realize it ever existed.

How good will its life be if it doesn't have to feel guilty
when it does the things that brings happiness for it.

How should anyone understand?
The sadness of the butterfly.
Cos its existence just another one
In this universe.
Alone.
Ordinary.
In vain.

I just hate it when people say, "you don't know how I feel."
Of course I wouldn't know exactly how they feel, but to accuse that I never feel any pain in my life would be very judgmental. Oh I have my shares of pain...

Being called a whore by my own father? Been there.
Being suicidal and almost end my life? Done that.
Sent application in all college there is and accepted into none? Gosh, old story.
Chase out from my house by my brother? Passed that.
There was even times when I have no one to confide in, cos nobody cares. And even my best friends said I'm delusional and my mother called me attention-seeker.

But those are long forgotten stories, I don't even remember it as a memory but merely as stories I've read somewhere. And as Nietzsche long ago had said: What doesn't kill you make you stronger.

So somehow I survive.

There will always be times when you'll find yourself standing in the middle of crossroad; where you have to choose: to the left to suicide, or to the right to a better stronger person.
In my case, I'm too coward to choose left. So I only left with one option no matter I like it or not.

There will always be prices to pay, of course. I pay it with my ability to feel; so I can no longer feel a thing. Or in other words, I'm heartless.

You'd think I said all that because I'm living on bed of roses this moment. But you're so wrong. I'm living hell right now, surrounded by devils themselves. However, to misquote Winston Churchill: "If you're going through hell, keep going...till you reach the way out."

That's what I'm doing now, hopefully I'll make it out alive.
Oh, whatever. I'm so done whining about myself.