Have you ever hurt so bad it feels so good?

"...he cuts me and the pain is all I wanna feel.."
misquote from BSB Helpless When She Smiles

My godbrother once said, "PAIN is the greatest pleasure in life." I didn't agree and didn't understand then. But I do understand now (even though I'm still not entirely agree).

Sometimes, in a weird unexplainable way, I am (and I believe most of other people are) drawn to pain. And it does bring us some pleasure --or in this case, bring me.
I know pain enable human to survive. But I thought only because it sharpens our survival instinct, so we learn to avoid it. But I've learned a different case now.

Some people find comfort in pain.
Some in physical form: cutting and slashing.
Some in non-physical form: reminding themselves of hurtful things.

Yes, mine is the second case. And yeah, I know. Somebody here needs bad help from a shrink...

I just hate it when people say, "you don't know how I feel."
Of course I wouldn't know exactly how they feel, but to accuse that I never feel any pain in my life would be very judgmental. Oh I have my shares of pain...

Being called a whore by my own father? Been there.
Being suicidal and almost end my life? Done that.
Sent application in all college there is and accepted into none? Gosh, old story.
Chase out from my house by my brother? Passed that.
There was even times when I have no one to confide in, cos nobody cares. And even my best friends said I'm delusional and my mother called me attention-seeker.

But those are long forgotten stories, I don't even remember it as a memory but merely as stories I've read somewhere. And as Nietzsche long ago had said: What doesn't kill you make you stronger.

So somehow I survive.

There will always be times when you'll find yourself standing in the middle of crossroad; where you have to choose: to the left to suicide, or to the right to a better stronger person.
In my case, I'm too coward to choose left. So I only left with one option no matter I like it or not.

There will always be prices to pay, of course. I pay it with my ability to feel; so I can no longer feel a thing. Or in other words, I'm heartless.

You'd think I said all that because I'm living on bed of roses this moment. But you're so wrong. I'm living hell right now, surrounded by devils themselves. However, to misquote Winston Churchill: "If you're going through hell, keep going...till you reach the way out."

That's what I'm doing now, hopefully I'll make it out alive.
Oh, whatever. I'm so done whining about myself.

"I've been through that." , "Everybody's gone through that stage." don't make it easier to go through...

-:-

Should I fall down, I'll drag somebody with me.

-:-

Money is scary. Or is it the person that is?

-:-

Theory: Unsuccessful people have no family behind them to support them morally.

-:-

Life is just a container, a medium; we decide what's inside it.

Tomo's tattoo

Per Aspera Et Astra - Through hardships to the stars.

Serba salah

When I'm quiet, they say I don't want to share stories.
When I talk, they say I keep talking about myself.

Ketika aku diam, dibilangnya aku tidak mau berbagi
Ketika aku berbicara, dibilangnya aku hanya berbicara tentang diri sendiri